A Zombie Story

art by Daniel Powell

On the Portland City bus ride home today, every rider was a Zombie.

It was very disturbing.

I usually spend my ride from downtown to my Southwest home looking out the window and listening to The Decemberists, but today all I could do was gaze around at my fellow travelers with a mixture of horror and disgust.  Three of them spent most of their time staring back at me. One of the three was sort of cute and I tried winking at her a few times, but all I got back was a vacant stare. The other two were heavily tattooed over age 40 types. Probably brewers.

I have been seeing more and more Zombies around lately. You used to only see a few on the long distance train rides. I like to ride the train to Seattle for Christmas shopping. That is a 4 hour ride on the Amtrak Cascades and I would often see a few Zombies taking up the window seats (where no one would step on them) in the economy compartments. I mean, why would you bother paying for first class seats if you were going to do the trip zombie?

But then I would start to see them, like today, on the bus. Also, I am seeing them more and more at my gym. I like to go to the gym and spend an hour on one of the Precor 885 AMT machines. I own the entire 12 seasons of Stargate SG1 on my Amazon account and I can stream an episode while I clock off my 1000 calories on the old AMT.  I guess that is what the Zombies are doing also, but they are not spending the conscious effort to keep their bodies moving or tuning into their surroundings any. I call that cheating. I call that cheating big time. Although I do admit that they seem to be getting great workouts. It is even possible that their Zombie selves are pushing their physical limits more that I can push myself and still enjoy my Stargate episodes.

But today was just weird. EVERYONE on the bus was Zombie.

So I went home and did some research. The first thing Google went to was an article in the Times on the over the top market evaluations of a couple of the Self Driving Body startup companies that have popped up in the last few years. I mean, I have certainly heard of Zombie  and OutOfBody and (for the older generation) Uber-Self. They all offer about the same thing. Built in AI control that will automate certain non-autonomous (ha!) functions of your body so you can devote your consciousness to more mind enlarging pursuits. Like studying for a physics final or watching Stargate. Or anything else you could do using just your eye and ears. (I think that OutOfBody is now claiming that they can run a Matrix like simulation for you so that you can do some other pursuits, though I suspect this entire simulation idea is driven largely by the porn industry). OK, I understand that it would be nice to disappear into a viewing of the latest broadway play while your body is riding the bus home, or to be doing your modern literature reading while you slug that five miles on the treadmill. I do get it. I just don't like it. It is not for me. Partially because I sort of like the feel of the burn of the last 20 minutes on the AMT machine. But mainly because I like watching the world go by. There is all sorts of neat shit happening out the window. The color of the leaves are changing. That guy on the sidewalk has a funny shirt. Is that a real model-T driving down main street? I mean, Life is going on. Might as well live it.

So life goes on.
But you know. It is just getting stranger and stranger.

-------------------

I was walking around Portland today. There are a couple of food trucks right on the top of Pioneer Square and I like to get a taco or a bowl or a burger and then sit on the brick steps that are integrated into the square and people watch. Today I am sitting over near the Starbucks so I have a high view of the square and I can see the East bound Max trains on my right and West bound Max trains on my left. I was sitting in this same place last year in December (on a warm day) when the Max train opened its doors and like 37 Santa Clauses got off. It was the yearly Santa Clause Bar Crawl. 100 or so people dressed as different representations of Santa. Did you know there is a Biker Santa, a Cross Dressing Santa and a Surfer Santa? Well, there are.

I'm not seeing that this year. This year I see everyone getting off the bus slowly. Not pushing. Filing out one by one. They have their arms out in front of them to fend off collisions and they walk purposely one foot at a time. Their eyes are locked forward. It must be a software control thing or something because they only scan around by moving their heads, not their eyes. And that distant Stare!! They walk slowly, the software has trouble negotiating the steps and sidewalk safely (they do the treadmill at the gym much faster). It looks just like those old episodes of The Walking Dead that my Dad used to rave about. The only thing missing is for the Zombies to be crying out "Brains!".  I guess they do talk sometimes. But all I have heard them say is "Pardon. Me. Pardon. Me". Crap.

I finish my lunch. Not many people out eating. I guess too many people are spending their lunch Zombie. I wonder where they eat? No reason to walk someplace nice like this for lunch if in your head you are off in Hawaii. They probably have some high nutrition gruel places in the some basements someplace.

I finished lunch and continued my walk around the city. I wanted to go by Powell's and see if they have that signed copy of "Dies The Fire" that I have been trying to get my hands on. I really love that series. Not only it is a (semi) believable end of the world story, but it takes places right here in Portland and the vicinity.  I also think that I secretly want to be a Bear Killer. Or a Wiken.

At 2:30 I caught the 54 bus back toward Southwest. I got on near the book store and the bus has just a few people on it. I had picked up a sci fi that caught my eye so I was reading and not paying much attention. At the 5th street stop a bunch of people got on (as usual) and I had to scrunch over when someone sat down next to me. The guy that had sat down was crowding me a little bit, so I lowered my book to ask him to scoot over a bit. He was starting right at me. And he was Zombie. I could tell by the stare. I started to say something to him when the two people sitting in the seat in front of me turned around to stare at me. They were both Zombie.

What the hell?

I scanned slowly around the bus. To my horror I saw that Everyone on the bus was Zombie and everyone, every single one of these bastards, was starting Right At Me.

"Well. This isn't good." I thought.

Then the Zombie next to me spoke.

"You are a threat". He said. In an unexpectedly conversational tone.

"Me?" I asked. "A Threat?"

The woman sitting in front of me said "You are a Threat".

I looked at her, then looked back at the guy next to me. He spoke again. "You are not on automatic. You are not predictable. You are a threat. You must be watched. You should switch to Automatic"

The woman nodded very slowly. "You should switch to Automatic".

Well, that was just about enough of that. I made the peace sign at the dude next to me, then pointed my two finger tips at his eyes and said in a soft voice "I am going to poke your eyes out".

He blinked.
He blinked again.
I rotated my hand back up to the piece sign and said, loudly, "I am going to need to get out".

My threat had triggered the dude out of Zombie. Automatic modes really can't protect you from attack or any dangerous situations. if something unexpected or dangerous happens, they pretty much have to relinquish control. But they don't have time to ... like... brief you.

"Hey" Said the guy. He was startled and a little scared.

"Hey" I said. "Are you OK? I need to get off at the next stop".

The woman in front of me was still Zombie. I don't think she quite registered what was going on over the bus noise. She turned back around to face front. The guy was still confused but he mumbled something and stood to let me out. I pulled the stop cord and walked up to the front of the bus.

The bus driver was sitting with his hands folded and just watching the bus drive itself. He looked a little bored but totally aware. All of the Zombies on the bus now had two people to watch. Me and the guy who was evidently had some problem re-engaging his automatic control.  I nodded to the bus driver, "Hey" I said.

He nodded back "Hey".

"Things seems a bit.... odd today. Yeah?"

"You mean the fright show?" he smiled a bit. "It has been like this for a couple of weeks now. Where have you been?"

I had been riding my bike. During a freak two weeks of sun in October. But it rained this morning and it wasn't going to quit until April. Go Portland.

I got off the bus a few stops early. It was going to be a soggy, longish walk home. But at least no Zombies. They would all be at the gym.

-------------------

Geeze. It is happening in the streets now. The Zombie self driving apps have been updated to handle things like walking down the street and getting on and off the bus. If they could only do something about facial expressions or, I don't know, that funny way people walk while in auto. Sort of stiff legged. Arms straight and sticking out a little. Like. Like... well .... like Zombies.

I have taken to sitting on the bus and just staring straight ahead. That has been working for weeks.  It"s a little boring, but as long as I only move my eyes to look around, the other riders don't seem to care. Today a girl sat down next to me. A real girl, not something I made up. She smiled at me and said, "Hi"

I gulped a little. I am not used to girls sitting down next to me. And this one was pretty and my age to boot. "Hi" I squeaked.

"You are, like, the only non-Zombie I have seen today. Do you mind if I sit with you?"

I looked around. A lot of Zombies were looking our way. They didn't look happy. I looked back at her, and she did look happy. "No problem, please sit."

"My name is Glenn," she said, and held out her hand, "Glad to meet you"

I shook her hand, "Steve" I said.

"How far are you going, Steve?" she asked.

"I usually get off in Hillsdale", I said. "I like to grab a slice at Pizzicato for dinner later"

"Hey," she said, her eye glittering, "Me too! My brother works there. How come I have never seen you before?"

"I have no idea," I said. I was starting into her eyes. I knew it, but I was having some difficulty looking away. "I suspect the universe is toying with me."

She laughed. Then blushed a little. Then looked away. "Can I ask you something," she said, much more quietly.

"Yeah. I guess"

"How come you aren't... well. How come you aren't Zombie?"

"Allergic," I said.

She gave me a funny look. Like she didn't know if I was kidding or not.

"To the Implants" I clarified. "At least the ones I can afford. But to tell you the truth, at this point, and the way things are looking, you couldn't pay me to have the things installed."

She nodded. She didn't volunteer anything however.

"And you?" I finally asked.

"My system went down this morning. It said it was doing an upgrade but it hasn't come back online. I think this is the first time in a month I have ridden the bus as a person. Perhaps that is why we haven't met. It's hard to meet a Zombie"

"That is so," I smiled. "I am glad your system glitched. I was tired of riding and pretending I was one of them." And then it struck me. "Hey, how did you know I wasn't Zombie. I mean, I was doing my act"

"Yes," she giggled a little, "With your head not moving but your eyes scanning. Very realistic. But you looked a bit bored. You looked emotional." She turned and pointed around the bus, "Any of these guys look emotional to you?"

No. No they did not. They looked kind of.. Dead. Well, Undead.

I noticed that they weren't all just staring at me, either. They were sort of slowly turning their heads and scanning back and forth between Glenn and myself. Neat.

At the Hillsdale stop, up the hill by the library, we got off the bus together. Four Zombies followed us off.

Glenn and I walked up to the light, waited for the walk sign and then went across to the little shopping area in Hillsdale. There isn't much at this place. Just a little strip of stores. But there is the Pizzicato, an Einstein Bagels, a Dairy Hill ice cream, and the local dungeon and dragons gaming store. As we walked down the hill toward the Pizzicato, I noticed that the four Zombies from the bus were following right behind us.

"Lets let these guys pass", I whispered to Glenn.

She nodded and we stepped off the sidewalk, into the entry of a little clothing store.

The Zombies walked up in front of us and then stopped and turned to face us. "Glenn Woodward" said the big zombie in front, "Your implant is once again operational. All issues have been cleared by the central system. You should enter automatic mode immediately. You are in the presence of an unmonitored and unknown human who is not equipped with automatic mode implants".

"Jesus," muttered Glenn. "You guys have got to be kidding. Bugger off" she waived her hands at them but they neither flinched nor moved away.

"Glenn Woodward," said the Zombie on the right; a young woman in a business outfit. "You must active your automatic system. This human has been observed threatening citizens."

She looked at me, "Really?" she asked.

"If you pretend to strike them, they come out of auto", I said. I walked up and took a fake swing at the big guy. I didn't touch him but I didn't miss by much either. He didn't move a bit. He certainly didn't come out of Zombie. "Shit", I said. "That worked last week"

The two Zombies in the back row moved left and right so that now Glenn and I were effectively pinned against the doorway. She had evidently had enough, "Fair Warning", she said "I feel threatened by you and I reserve the right to stand my ground".

Wow. Stand your ground. I have never seen someone initiate that action. I wasn't sure if I should step in front of her or behind her. It turned out I didn't get a chance to do either. The woman Zombie stepped forward and said "Glenn Woodward" and Glenn kicked her in the shin.  Oh, that doesn't describe it very well. It wasn't a 1st grader kicks his sister in the shin kick. It was a strong college woman who has had a shit load of Kung Fu Classes kick. She stepped backward, flexed down on her knees, rotated toward me and kicked out sideways into the woman's shin. The woman took two steps back and uttered a deep grunt. The big guy Zombie moved forward also, and Glenn kicked him in the balls, leg extended, toes tucked down. The one behind me put a hand on my shoulder, I gave him an elbow in the nose. Not very hard, but still an elbow in the nose. At least I was in this game a little. The fourth Zombie took a step back. Maybe he had better kick avoidance software.

And then there was a lot of screaming. It was sort of funny really. One second we had these four menacing monsters pushing us into a doorway, and in the next we have three 30-something mass transit riders holding different parts of the bodies and yelling in pain and surprise.

"What the hell is going on?" yelled the business woman, holding her shin and hopping up and down. "Why did you attack me".

"You four threatened us," said Glenn. "I made the legally required announcement of intent. I am videoing with secureCam."

Well, that surprised me too. SecureCam(r) is a rather ritzy do self protection system. It captures encrypted streams that the company claims cannot be doctored. Admissible in court. Just like the old RoboCop videos.

"I don't believe you." said the woman. She was standing on both legs now.

The kicked in balls guy, who I should probably call "wearing a tie" guy was looking a little more thoughtful. "Why am I over here in Hillsdale?" he asked. He was looking around. "This isn't my stop" He looked at the woman, "I have seen you on the bus before. This isn't your usual stop either. And I sure don't think that anyone is supposed to be able to get me off of the bus without the auto control shutting down."

I was putting things together in my own head. I realized that these ex Zombies were probably as afraid and more confused than Glenn and me. I turned to look at the guy I had elbowed. He was rubbing his cheek, but it looked like I had mostly missed him. "Sorry about that." I said to him. I held out my hand, "You had grabbed me and I reacted. My name is Steve."

He hesitated, then reached out and shook my hand, "No harm done. I am Bob...... ah.... do you know how I got here?"

Glenn held out her hand to the Tie guy. "I am Glenn. You four followed Steve and I from the bus. You were all in Zombie mode."

"Christ," said Tie Guy. "I was afraid it was something like that. I am Bill. " He was still bending over with his hands on his knees and taking deep breaths. One does not just shake off a good kick to the balls. "The upgrade this morning said it could get off the bus at the right stop if I enabled the Experimental setting. Shit. Shit. Shit."

Bill sounded like he knew more than what he was saying.

"Bill," I said, "You sound like you know more than you are saying".

"Yeah," he breathed. "I work for Uber-Self. In customer support. We have been getting some strange complaints lately and...... Wait one. Ah...... I am trying to stop an auto reboot."

"Oh," said Glenn. "I have one trying to start also." She closed her eyes but I could see them moving behind her eye lids. She was moving her internal mouse trying to access the override controls.

I looked over at Business Woman. Her eyes were open. But glassy. She was already rebooting. I looked around, the same was true for the two guys behind us. Eyes wide open, no expressions on their faces.  This should definitely NOT be happening.

"Shit," This from Bill and Glenn simultaneously.

Then they both opened their eyes and stood straight.

Glenns lips moved in apparent disregard to the rest of her body, "Steve,  I think you should ru...."
And then she froze. And then she turned to look at me. Or perhaps, to look through me.

I took her advice and ran.

I was heading down hill,  toward the Einstein Bagels. I was thinking I could probably run up the next hill and all the way to the Jewish Community Center. The JCC members were a bit more skeptical about Automatic Control. They also have a history of sanctuary. But 100 yards ahead of me I see a city bus stop, on its way up the hill. A lot of people are filing off. They are spreading out and blocking my path. They all are walking clumsily with their arm out in front of them. They are all Zombie.

I stop running long enough to look behind me. Crap. The four bus people are all definitely zombie again... and so is......crap crap crap....  and so is Glenn.

Hero or Goat. Hero or Goat. Crap Crap Crap. I start running back up the hill. Back toward the first pack of Zombie. Back toward Glenn.

I didn't really want to hurt anyone. I am not really the kind of person that does hurt people. But this shit is getting a bit.... Dangerous? Is it Dangerous? I mean, aren't these people going to eventually get home and come off of automatic? Aren't they? Aren't they just banding together because I am a unknown factor? Not controlled by the system. Just like some idiot taking over manual control of a car when driving on the interstate?

Perhaps.

I just ran into the entire bunch of Zombies. Their reactions are slow, just like the walking dead, and they just sort of scattered and went down. I caught hold of Glenn. Luckily she didn't use any of her Kung Fu shit on me. She tried to grab me, but I ducked under her arms and put my shoulder in her gut and lifted her up onto my back. She was like 50 pounds lighter than me. I can do this. Wilson High School is right there between the buildings. Goin there puts a bunch of fences between me and the down hill Zombie mob. I headed that way.

Note to Self: One Can't run real fast carrying a young woman on one's shoulder. She was strangely limp, however, and I took that as a good thing and keep going. I made it through the parking lot between Wilson and Rieke Elementary (where the Sunday Farmer's Market is) before my air started to give out.  I stopped running and started sucking air. Big Time.

Up on my shoulder Glenn freaked me out by saying, "Please put me down, Steve"

I took a couple more breaths,"Are you up there Glenn?" I asked.

"Please put me down, Steve", she said again, in exactly the same tone and rhythm. Like a playback on a recording. Which I am guessing it was.

I took a couple of steps toward Vermont avenue, on the other side of the high school.

Glenn Zombie spoke again, "I am not recording a kidnapping event."

Well. Double Crap. I put her on her feet. She almost fell but then balanced. I took a step back away from here. She looked at me with that faraway Zombie look but otherwise just stood there.

Behind her, however, were a number of walkers that were not just standing there. They were ambling toward me with their arms out and their eyes glassy and they were blocking the road. I turned around to go and there were another bunch coming up from Vermont. Must have gotten off the bus from down on the corner. They were all communicating with each other over the web and working together to corral me. Dang it. I decided to run off through the elementary school soccer field. I could jump the fence and work my way down the hill there. If I could get out of sight, perhaps I could go to ground for awhile. I mean, these guy have to go home for dinner sooner or later, don't they?

As I tensed to run, However, Glenn threw herself on me from behind. She wrapped her arms and legs around me and I tripped over the curb siding and went down. I trie to get up, but she was very strong and had my legs all tied up. I couldn't quite bring myself to strike her.

And then I had other problems. The two zombie groups converged on me and the people in the front knelt down and grabbed my limbs. Hard to do much of anything with three people on each arms and legs. They had me pinned on my back. Glenn had moved over and is sitting on the ground just above my head. She leaned over and looked into my eyes. "Do not be scared, Steve. Help is on the way." Her expression never varied, "Arriving in 3 minutes and 15 seconds".

Oh. 3 minutes and 15 seconds. No, that doesn't scare me a bit. So why did I scream? Perhaps I was hoping someone that wasn't Zombie would hear me. And I mean, I really screamed, "HELP ME. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!"

And damn me if all of the Undead around me didn't sing out, in Unison, "We are helping you, Steve."

An Ambulance pulled up in the parking lot. Two guys in white coats got out and walk carrying their Kit. One was already preparing a shot of something.  I so don't like shots of something.

"Do not be scared, Steve", Zombie Glenn said again, "We are going to help you. We are going to make you safe. We are going to give you your own implant."

"No No NO," I yelled as the medic guy stuck the needle into my arm, "I am Allergic. The Implant will fucking Kill Me!!"

"No Harm will come to you, Steve. You have been pre-approved for a high grade non-allergenic implant".

Great. As long as it was non-allergenic. And things went Dark.

And the lights came back on.

And there was Glenn standing in front of me. But this time she wasn't Zombie. She appeared to be a normal person Glenn. "Are you OK, Steve?". She asked.

But her lips didn't move quite right. And her hair didn't shake when she turned her head. And. And... Crap, the scenery in the background was completely Static. "This... this is a VR". I said.

"Yes," She made an imitation of a frown. "They let me come in and be here when you woke up."

"They?"

"The systems. The internet. The AI controller. Whatever the hell they are, I don't know".

"We are stuck in this VR? I mean, this isn't the Matrix. This kind of sucks"

"We are not stuck here. Not permanently. They let us out when we are at work or at home. We just can't wander around in outside under non-automatic control. That is deemed just too dangerous.

"Like driving your car on manual on a Freeway."

"Yes. Like that"

"Geeze. This is not good. What do we do now?"

"Want to watch a Movie? I have stream rights to 'Night of the Living Dead'".