Jon’s Advanced Paleo Diet Log.
Aug 5th 2022 weight 285
Today I am starting the new Advanced Paleo diet. It is all the rage. If you haven’t heard about this (you will) I will give you a little starter. It starts with the basic principles of the Paleo diet, to wit: The most healthful eating habits a human can have are those that we evolved with. This means the nutrition and food sources of the pre-historic hunter gatherer human. This plan takes it a step further though. It says that the food itself isn’t the only thing for maintain health. There is also the timing of the food, i.e. seasonal considerations, in addition to the motions and exercises necessary to acquire the food. To implement this rather complex set of interactions, Advanced Paleo Diet (APD) adherents receive an app which tracks seasons and activities and random ‘events’ (like finding berries in the woods) and then ships the appropriate meal ingredients to the customer's home. To further enhance the genuineness of the experience, they add in the nature of communal living. The efforts of the customers are linked to 20 other randomly chosen participants who become a (at least virtual) tribe. This means that, for example, if Sue in Houston is out for a walk and the App determines that she randomly found a patch of edible parsnip roots, she then shares that with the Tribe and your part of that bounty shows up by Amazon in the next day or so. Wonderful.
I am starting out at 285 pounds. We weigh in once a week and I will try and keep this journal going at least that often. My goal is to get to 200 pounds over the next year.
Aug 12 2022. Weight 280.
Wow. I lost 5 pounds the first Week!! And it was a great week. Myself and a few other men out on a fast walk ‘successfully hunted’ a young bison. Did you know this is the traditional season for indigenous peoples to be making such kills? Anyway, the meat came packaged and my share was enough for several weeks of steaks. Real Bison too!! Not any of that grain fed beef for me, no sir. And plenty of nuts and berries and grasshoppers to add vitamins and what not. The App has been slowly increasing the amount of walking and other exercise I am supposed to do. It noted that since I was new, I was being treated as a tribe member recovering from an ‘honorable wound’. Cool.
Aug 20 2022. Weight 270
I am getting tired of Bison. It is almost gone but it has also been getting a little too tangy for me. The App doesn’t let you put it into the refrigerator because dealing with bacteria that develop in the decaying carcass is an important part of strengthening the body and the immune response. We did get a good supply of naturally occurring herbs for seasoning and some dang interesting recipes. Jill in Denver hit a turkey with a rock yesterday, so I am expecting some new meat in the box tomorrow. Thank God.
Sept. 5 2022. Weight 263
The weight sure is coming off. I had to go out and buy new pants. The boss has commented on my appearance. He has also commented that I am working less hours, but geeze, I had to walk nearly 10 miles yesterday just to find a virtual field of barley. Other members of my tribe are complaining that I am not pulling my weight (hah). This is mainly because I can’t run. If you run for 5 or 10 miles a day you can usually bring down some small game. Got a couple of squirrels in the mail just last week. Tasty. We are reaching the end of tuber season, so the carrot supply is tapering off, but I am looking forward to some nice gourds and maybe some citrus fruit. Did cavemen have access to oranges? I guess I will find out.
Oct 10, 2022 Weight 250
This is rabbit season. The little buggers are evidently everywhere this time of year and they are getting hungry so they are apt to be out and about more often during my foraging. I have been walking faster (what with my 30 pounds of weight loss!!) and I have been nailing a rabbit every other day or so. The group is more supportive of me now. Part of his may be because our two best hunters ran into a sabertooth tiger on their hunt last week. One was killed and one lost a hand. Their virtual input to the group is seriously decreased.
I probably didn’t tell you about the “being killed” thing, did I? Here is the deal. You don’t just do this diet, you have to commit to it. The commitment is a $30K buy in. That is right. 30 thousand Dollars. You pay them the money and you get it back when you reach your goal weight. The App tracks all of your motions and actions and if you ‘cheat’ (like, have snickers bar…. Mmmmm snickers bar) the App will know and you ‘die’ and you lose your $30K. Not only that, but the other people in your tribe GET that $30K to be split up with the survivors at the end of the diets. I am going to be thin AND rich !!
Nov 5, 2022 Weight 230
I so hungry. I am so tired of eating pumpkin and dried bison. I would kill for some of those Grass Hoppers that we got that one week back in August. Fortunately, it has been a pretty warm fall so far so I haven’t been all that cold. The fire we are allowed to build in our fire place doesn’t really heat up the entire house all that much. But you gotta admit this diet is working. I have lost 50 pounds and I can walk 6 to 8 miles a day and I have never felt so thin and strong. We had a couple more tribe members ‘die’. The sharable part of the payout bonus is up to over $100K now. In general, that slackers are the ones that die off, which means that we actually get MORE food when they are gone, not less. That is pretty cool. I am going out tomorrow with the App selected goal of getting an Elk. That should be good, and hopefully impress the ladies in the group.
Nov 8, 2022 weight 225
I was out hunting for 2 days straight. I slept in a blanket in the park and I logged almost 30 miles of jogging/walking. But it was worth it. I got that Elk and the entire tribe will sing my praises and have fresh meat for the Thanksgiving feast. The people are worthy.
Dec 15 2022 weight 210
So Cold. So Hungry. So Cold. A blizzard has hit the area like a new ice age and the blankets and furs we use just don’t hack it, especially at night. But keeping yourself warm during inclement weather burns through a ton of calories and I can practically see the fat melting off of my frame. My boss was giving me such grief over my hours that I quit my job. I really didn’t have time to write software and to hunt for game at the same time. Helga, from Toronto, has agreed to be my virtual partner and we now share virtual bodily warmth and can sneak each other special items. She killed two rats just yesterday and saved one just for me. I treasure her. She is the strongest woman of the tribe and will give the tribe strong virtual children with the coming of the spring thaws.
Jan 10 2023 Weight 185
Slipped on the ice whilst pursuing a wild boar. Broke my leg and had to crawl through the snow back to the tribes shelters. Our tribal shamen set the leg but it is not healing well. I have a developed a fever and the tribe has no fresh meat and our supplies dwindle. Helga has left me for Bob from Portland. She says that she cannot trust her virtual children to a hunter that falls on ice. A women's foraging party disappeared last week. We don’t know what happened to them but that is 5 hard workers gone without a trace. We are down to 10 tribe members now. Payout is half a million. I have met my weight goals but must stay in the game to receive the payout. It is lonely at cold at night without Virtual Helga. I will challenge and kill Bob from Portland when my leg heals and I have back my strength.
Jan 30th. 2023 Weight 140
No food this week. Very tired. Can’t walk. Blizzard still rages outside. I have burned my office furniture for warmth. Amazon deliveries delayed. Tribe not sure I am worth feeding. Helga laughs at me in my dispair.
February 14 2023. Officer Wilkins LAPD making this entry.
Mr Smith’s desiccated and starved body was found by neighbors in his front yard partially covered by snow. He was dressed in clothing made from crudely cut Pendleton blankets and carrying a spear made from a kitchen butter knife and a broom handle. This notebook was found on his kitchen counter beside a empty snickers wrapper.
